Comments on: 4 Steps to Repairing Trust in Your Relationship http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/ Thu, 11 Mar 2010 02:45:47 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: cmsvmom http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-269 cmsvmom Sun, 06 Dec 2009 15:37:08 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-269 I didn't deal with sex addiction, I dealt with a closeted gay husband who still will not admit he did anything wrong. Yet during our divorce, he did everything he could to convince our church that I was the one at fault, since I was so apparently narrow minded and unforgiving. He also tried to take away custody of our kids, and prove I was crazy. With a closeted husband, it seems to be a pattern that they MUST prove that the marriage would not have worked ANYWAY because of the faults of the straight one. That is a horrible impediment to the straight wife's healing when the church enables that with reparative therapies, or in our case, with liberal "inclusiveness". We were married for 15 years, and in addition to the gay stuff, I dealt with emotional abuse, his depression, and our family being endangered by his lack of judgement. I found that after 10 years of forced joint custody, it has helped me immensely to MOVE 1,000 MILES AWAY and begin a new life of my own - which I was unable to do due to constant oppression by the courts. I'm old now. I've joined a new church, and I very much relate to God's promise to Joel, to "restore the years that the locusts have eaten" I work with a support group for straight spouses, and I have learned that many closeted gay evangelical husbands do the reparative route, and fail because it is just another layer of deception. They conveniently forget step 4 in pressuring their wives to forgive RIGHT AWAY after 20 or 30 years of deceit. Honey I'll change - who can believe that when it is experienced as pressure? Where are the Christian counseling resources that specifically address straight spouses? Are we included in the healing? Or is it just heterosexual adulterers and sex addicts. My ex is gay, but he is not a sex addict. He just hates and fears women. Sex itself has always been secondary with him - mostly porn and a few liasons. But not like a sex addict, except for the lying. I didn’t deal with sex addiction, I dealt with a closeted gay husband who still will not admit he did anything wrong. Yet during our divorce, he did everything he could to convince our church that I was the one at fault, since I was so apparently narrow minded and unforgiving. He also tried to take away custody of our kids, and prove I was crazy. With a closeted husband, it seems to be a pattern that they MUST prove that the marriage would not have worked ANYWAY because of the faults of the straight one. That is a horrible impediment to the straight wife’s healing when the church enables that with reparative therapies, or in our case, with liberal “inclusiveness”. We were married for 15 years, and in addition to the gay stuff, I dealt with emotional abuse, his depression, and our family being endangered by his lack of judgement. I found that after 10 years of forced joint custody, it has helped me immensely to MOVE 1,000 MILES AWAY and begin a new life of my own – which I was unable to do due to constant oppression by the courts. I’m old now. I’ve joined a new church, and I very much relate to God’s promise to Joel, to “restore the years that the locusts have eaten” I work with a support group for straight spouses, and I have learned that many closeted gay evangelical husbands do the reparative route, and fail because it is just another layer of deception. They conveniently forget step 4 in pressuring their wives to forgive RIGHT AWAY after 20 or 30 years of deceit. Honey I’ll change – who can believe that when it is experienced as pressure?

Where are the Christian counseling resources that specifically address straight spouses? Are we included in the healing? Or is it just heterosexual adulterers and sex addicts. My ex is gay, but he is not a sex addict. He just hates and fears women. Sex itself has always been secondary with him – mostly porn and a few liasons. But not like a sex addict, except for the lying.

]]> By: mia http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-254 mia Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:44:24 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-254 Janice, i feel your pain, how did you get the courage to leave ? i also want to leave my marriage, but im scared i would disappoint GOD, because i didnt give him a chance to fix things. Im just tired of getting blamed that, there's something wrong with me, when i question him about other women calling him. I get told im insecure or i need to get friends myself. Am i crazy for trying to love this man? Janice, i feel your pain, how did you get the courage to leave ? i also want to leave my marriage, but im scared i would disappoint GOD, because i didnt give him a chance to fix things. Im just tired of getting blamed that, there’s something wrong with me, when i question him about other women calling him. I get told im insecure or i need to get friends myself. Am i crazy for trying to love this man?

]]> By: mia http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-253 mia Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:36:16 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-253 <blockquote cite="#commentbody-250"> <strong><a href="#comment-250" rel="nofollow">Janice</a> :</strong> I can see the pain of both sides when a man has a sexual addiction. I have been married 32 years, my husband lied to me for 15 of them cheating and porn was his priority. Now it has been 6 1/2 years since he cheated and I still can’t forgive him. I have left our home and went to live with my mother. My husband is all to pieces and so is our grown children, but I have been unhappy so long living with a man that I can not trust, that I had to get away from him to get some kind of peace about this situation. My husband went to a Every Mans Battle Siminar and he has been honest and a different man, now if only God could change my heart and help me forgive </blockquote>

Janice :
I can see the pain of both sides when a man has a sexual addiction. I have been married 32 years, my husband lied to me for 15 of them cheating and porn was his priority. Now it has been 6 1/2 years since he cheated and I still can’t forgive him. I have left our home and went to live with my mother. My husband is all to pieces and so is our grown children, but I have been unhappy so long living with a man that I can not trust, that I had to get away from him to get some kind of peace about this situation. My husband went to a Every Mans Battle Siminar and he has been honest and a different man, now if only God could change my heart and help me forgive

]]> By: mia http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-252 mia Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:34:41 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-252 it is a blessing to hear that you see how you have hurt your wife and that GOD changed you for the better!! My husband does'nt see how his actions hurt me so much. 20 years of being second to women, alcohol, and the rest of his selfish ways is just so hard. It is so wonderful hear that you have changed with GOD's help. It does give me hope. Bless you it is a blessing to hear that you see how you have hurt your wife and that GOD changed you for the better!! My husband does’nt see how his actions hurt me so much. 20 years of being second to women, alcohol, and the rest of his selfish ways is just so hard. It is so wonderful hear that you have changed with GOD’s help. It does give me hope.
Bless you

]]> By: mia http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-251 mia Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:28:12 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-251 <blockquote cite="#commentbody-220"> <strong><a href="#comment-220" rel="nofollow">tim4uga</a> :</strong> I have read the comments above and can relate to each and every one of them. I lied for years to my wife about my porn addiction. And my addiction eventually led to me being unfaithful. That was 5 1/2 months ago when my wife found out. I know that I hurt her in ways I can’t even imagine. I started counseling and a very intense men’s bible study that deals with sexual addiction and sexual brokedness. It has been the biggest blessing to me. My wife still hasn’t forgiven me and I am not sure that she ever will. I hope and pray that she will and that we can put our marriage back together again. I have learned 1 thing though… I have to fix myself and worry about me and my walk with GOD and that I cannot fix anyone else. I would also like to add that right now trust is the biggest issue that we are facing. I am trying to open and honest with her about everything. There is nothing that I keep from her. If she wants my cell phone its open to her. Every minute of every day is there for her to see. If I try to hide or if I am not completely honest with her about anything every bit of the work that I am doing is gone. I am sorry for what I did and I work every day to prove myself to her. Thanks and God Bless </blockquote>

tim4uga :
I have read the comments above and can relate to each and every one of them. I lied for years to my wife about my porn addiction. And my addiction eventually led to me being unfaithful. That was 5 1/2 months ago when my wife found out. I know that I hurt her in ways I can’t even imagine. I started counseling and a very intense men’s bible study that deals with sexual addiction and sexual brokedness. It has been the biggest blessing to me. My wife still hasn’t forgiven me and I am not sure that she ever will. I hope and pray that she will and that we can put our marriage back together again. I have learned 1 thing though… I have to fix myself and worry about me and my walk with GOD and that I cannot fix anyone else. I would also like to add that right now trust is the biggest issue that we are facing. I am trying to open and honest with her about everything. There is nothing that I keep from her. If she wants my cell phone its open to her. Every minute of every day is there for her to see. If I try to hide or if I am not completely honest with her about anything every bit of the work that I am doing is gone. I am sorry for what I did and I work every day to prove myself to her. Thanks and God Bless

]]> By: Janice http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-250 Janice Mon, 16 Nov 2009 19:41:25 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-250 I can see the pain of both sides when a man has a sexual addiction. I have been married 32 years, my husband lied to me for 15 of them cheating and porn was his priority. Now it has been 6 1/2 years since he cheated and I still can't forgive him. I have left our home and went to live with my mother. My husband is all to pieces and so is our grown children, but I have been unhappy so long living with a man that I can not trust, that I had to get away from him to get some kind of peace about this situation. My husband went to a Every Mans Battle Siminar and he has been honest and a different man, now if only God could change my heart and help me forgive I can see the pain of both sides when a man has a sexual addiction. I have been married 32 years, my husband lied to me for 15 of them cheating and porn was his priority. Now it has been 6 1/2 years since he cheated and I still can’t forgive him. I have left our home and went to live with my mother. My husband is all to pieces and so is our grown children, but I have been unhappy so long living with a man that I can not trust, that I had to get away from him to get some kind of peace about this situation. My husband went to a Every Mans Battle Siminar and he has been honest and a different man, now if only God could change my heart and help me forgive

]]> By: Donnell http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-229 Donnell Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:18:07 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-229 My husband was addicted to porn, he told me the first couple of times, and then I found out because he had printed out the picture, and then ripped it up...but not good enough. I was emptying the trash and saw the paper and taped it together. I was never so devistated as I was then, I bawled. I confronted him about it when he came home, and thank God he was honest and told me everything. I still don't trust my husband completely, because of that, but now he tells me immediatey me whenever he is feeling the temptation. Even though it is still hard to hear that he is still struggling with it, I pray for him. The thing that gets me, is that everytime he tells me he is struggling, I begin to think that he no longer finds me attractive now that I have had three kids, or maybe I'm not pleasing him anymore. But even through all that, I can say that him being completely honest with me is helping rebuild my trust. My husband was addicted to porn, he told me the first couple of times, and then I found out because he had printed out the picture, and then ripped it up…but not good enough. I was emptying the trash and saw the paper and taped it together. I was never so devistated as I was then, I bawled. I confronted him about it when he came home, and thank God he was honest and told me everything.
I still don’t trust my husband completely, because of that, but now he tells me immediatey me whenever he is feeling the temptation. Even though it is still hard to hear that he is still struggling with it, I pray for him.
The thing that gets me, is that everytime he tells me he is struggling, I begin to think that he no longer finds me attractive now that I have had three kids, or maybe I’m not pleasing him anymore.
But even through all that, I can say that him being completely honest with me is helping rebuild my trust.

]]> By: tim4uga http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-220 tim4uga Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:20:37 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-220 I have read the comments above and can relate to each and every one of them. I lied for years to my wife about my porn addiction. And my addiction eventually led to me being unfaithful. That was 5 1/2 months ago when my wife found out. I know that I hurt her in ways I can't even imagine. I started counseling and a very intense men's bible study that deals with sexual addiction and sexual brokedness. It has been the biggest blessing to me. My wife still hasn't forgiven me and I am not sure that she ever will. I hope and pray that she will and that we can put our marriage back together again. I have learned 1 thing though... I have to fix myself and worry about me and my walk with GOD and that I cannot fix anyone else. I would also like to add that right now trust is the biggest issue that we are facing. I am trying to open and honest with her about everything. There is nothing that I keep from her. If she wants my cell phone its open to her. Every minute of every day is there for her to see. If I try to hide or if I am not completely honest with her about anything every bit of the work that I am doing is gone. I am sorry for what I did and I work every day to prove myself to her. Thanks and God Bless I have read the comments above and can relate to each and every one of them. I lied for years to my wife about my porn addiction. And my addiction eventually led to me being unfaithful. That was 5 1/2 months ago when my wife found out. I know that I hurt her in ways I can’t even imagine. I started counseling and a very intense men’s bible study that deals with sexual addiction and sexual brokedness. It has been the biggest blessing to me. My wife still hasn’t forgiven me and I am not sure that she ever will. I hope and pray that she will and that we can put our marriage back together again. I have learned 1 thing though… I have to fix myself and worry about me and my walk with GOD and that I cannot fix anyone else. I would also like to add that right now trust is the biggest issue that we are facing. I am trying to open and honest with her about everything. There is nothing that I keep from her. If she wants my cell phone its open to her. Every minute of every day is there for her to see. If I try to hide or if I am not completely honest with her about anything every bit of the work that I am doing is gone. I am sorry for what I did and I work every day to prove myself to her. Thanks and God Bless

]]> By: Melissa http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-200 Melissa Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:08:08 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-200 <blockquote cite="#commentbody-199"> <strong><a href="#comment-199" rel="nofollow">Melissa</a> :</strong> I pray and hope your marriage will grow to a stronger and loving relationship for the two of you, god and your children,Joe. I have been married for 16 years on 9/11/09 and have been in a struggling marriage due to indifferences in personalities, anxiety, parenting differences, porn addiction difficulties with my husband as well as marriage infidelity then lies about the affair and lack of openiness and resolution to his infidelity has been very painful, and hard to forgive due to his lack of compassion for what he did behind my back,when i’m living my life raising our children and trying to love him and be a good wife. I have found it really difficult because he stated previously to me and to one our our counselors, ” that he has made a huge mistake and he’s sorry and can’t understand why i still struggle with this” my comment is try being in my shoes and see how you feel when someone you love and thought loved you the same is unfaithful. Nobody knows what it feels like until your one the one betrayed, it hurts! My word of advice due to my chaotic mess of a marriage is if you both our not wanting the marriage for the deep love of each other, don’t do it for the kids. We have taken that approach and its been very difficult. My focus in life has been wanting to live life as a wife, mother and enjoy each and everyday and my husbands focus has been achieving his goals in life, in visioning his life in his years after his kids are grown. I personally believe the focus has to be mutual even though we a different in feelings, needs and wants. There has to be a mutual motive, your children can’t learn to love in an unloving environment. Even though you give your children your love, their not seeing the love between mom&dad(husband and wife) which is their imprint in life visually. God Bless! I have one last hope is to attend a new life seminar with my husband to possibly find a new road in our lives. Myself and my children need this, but i’ve have myself strong enough to believe i only need my self, my children and god to live a happy life. I just would love to find resolution to my true life goal and have that perfect loving and happy marriage. Love those Children they are gods blessings! </blockquote>

Melissa :
I pray and hope your marriage will grow to a stronger and loving relationship for the two of you, god and your children,Joe. I have been married for 16 years on 9/11/09 and have been in a struggling marriage due to indifferences in personalities, anxiety, parenting differences, porn addiction difficulties with my husband as well as marriage infidelity then lies about the affair and lack of openiness and resolution to his infidelity has been very painful, and hard to forgive due to his lack of compassion for what he did behind my back,when i’m living my life raising our children and trying to love him and be a good wife. I have found it really difficult because he stated previously to me and to one our our counselors, ” that he has made a huge mistake and he’s sorry and can’t understand why i still struggle with this” my comment is try being in my shoes and see how you feel when someone you love and thought loved you the same is unfaithful. Nobody knows what it feels like until your one the one betrayed, it hurts! My word of advice due to my chaotic mess of a marriage is if you both our not wanting the marriage for the deep love of each other, don’t do it for the kids. We have taken that approach and its been very difficult. My focus in life has been wanting to live life as a wife, mother and enjoy each and everyday and my husbands focus has been achieving his goals in life, in visioning his life in his years after his kids are grown. I personally believe the focus has to be mutual even though we a different in feelings, needs and wants. There has to be a mutual motive, your children can’t learn to love in an unloving environment. Even though you give your children your love, their not seeing the love between mom&dad(husband and wife) which is their imprint in life visually. God Bless! I have one last hope is to attend a new life seminar with my husband to possibly find a new road in our lives. Myself and my children need this, but i’ve have myself strong enough to believe i only need my self, my children and god to live a happy life. I just would love to find resolution to my true life goal and have that perfect loving and happy marriage. Love those Children they are gods blessings!

]]> By: Melissa http://newlifearticles.com/2008/02/4-steps-to-repairing-trust-in-your-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-199 Melissa Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:06:27 +0000 http://newlifearticles.com/?p=8#comment-199 I pray and hope your marriage will grow to a stronger and loving relationship for the two of you, god and your children. I have been married for 16 years on 9/11/09 and have been in a struggling marriage due to indifferences in personalities, anxiety, parenting differences, porn addiction difficulties with my husband as well as marriage infidelity then lies about the affair and lack of openiness and resolution to his infidelity has been very painful, and hard to forgive due to his lack of compassion for what he did behind my back,when i'm living my life raising our children and trying to love him and be a good wife. I have found it really difficult because he stated previously to me and to one our our counselors, " that he has made a huge mistake and he's sorry and can't understand why i still struggle with this" my comment is try being in my shoes and see how you feel when someone you love and thought loved you the same is unfaithful. Nobody knows what it feels like until your one the one betrayed, it hurts! My word of advice due to my chaotic mess of a marriage is if you both our not wanting the marriage for the deep love of each other, don't do it for the kids. We have taken that approach and its been very difficult. My focus in life has been wanting to live life as a wife, mother and enjoy each and everyday and my husbands focus has been achieving his goals in life, in visioning his life in his years after his kids are grown. I personally believe the focus has to be mutual even though we a different in feelings, needs and wants. There has to be a mutual motive, your children can't learn to love in an unloving environment. Even though you give your children your love, their not seeing the love between mom&dad(husband and wife) which is their imprint in life visually. God Bless! I have one last hope is to attend a new life seminar with my husband to possibly find a new road in our lives. Myself and my children need this, but i've have myself strong enough to believe i only need my self, my children and god to live a happy life. I just would love to find resolution to my true life goal and have that perfect loving and happy marriage. Love those Children they are gods blessings! I pray and hope your marriage will grow to a stronger and loving relationship for the two of you, god and your children. I have been married for 16 years on 9/11/09 and have been in a struggling marriage due to indifferences in personalities, anxiety, parenting differences, porn addiction difficulties with my husband as well as marriage infidelity then lies about the affair and lack of openiness and resolution to his infidelity has been very painful, and hard to forgive due to his lack of compassion for what he did behind my back,when i’m living my life raising our children and trying to love him and be a good wife. I have found it really difficult because he stated previously to me and to one our our counselors, ” that he has made a huge mistake and he’s sorry and can’t understand why i still struggle with this” my comment is try being in my shoes and see how you feel when someone you love and thought loved you the same is unfaithful. Nobody knows what it feels like until your one the one betrayed, it hurts! My word of advice due to my chaotic mess of a marriage is if you both our not wanting the marriage for the deep love of each other, don’t do it for the kids. We have taken that approach and its been very difficult. My focus in life has been wanting to live life as a wife, mother and enjoy each and everyday and my husbands focus has been achieving his goals in life, in visioning his life in his years after his kids are grown. I personally believe the focus has to be mutual even though we a different in feelings, needs and wants. There has to be a mutual motive, your children can’t learn to love in an unloving environment. Even though you give your children your love, their not seeing the love between mom&dad(husband and wife) which is their imprint in life visually. God Bless! I have one last hope is to attend a new life seminar with my husband to possibly find a new road in our lives. Myself and my children need this, but i’ve have myself strong enough to believe i only need my self, my children and god to live a happy life. I just would love to find resolution to my true life goal and have that perfect loving and happy marriage. Love those Children they are gods blessings!

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