Since we are all sinful
dysfunctional people who at some time will prove ourselves to be untrustworthy,
every important relationship in our life will require the rebuilding of trust
at some point in time. Sometimes it may only be a slight ‘remodeling’ while at
other times it will be a complete ‘rebuilding’ process. In some of our
relationships it may seem much easier to just cut and run. We decide the
relationship isn’t worth the effort of rebuilding. And this may be true in some
situations, but seldom is it ever true of marriage. You might even say that one
of the purposes of marriage is to teach us how to rebuild trust when it is
broken. Here are the steps to take when trust needs to be rebuilt.
Step 1: A Sincere confession of the
truth
Let’s use an affair as an
example. Regardless of how one finds out, healing begins when the betrayer
confesses the whole truth. The whole truth does not mean every intimate
detail’that puts too much of a burden on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse.
The rule of thumb on how much to confess is this: If I want to seriously
rebuild trust with my spouse, I confess anything that, if it were to found out
later, would undermine the rebuilding of trust.
If you are dealing with a
less painful betrayal, the principle is still the same. If information has been
withheld in the form of a secret, or if one spouse has been lied to about
anything, the need for a sincere confession of the truth always marks the
starting point. Without it, I cannot move forward. Couples who try to sweep any
kind of lie under the carpet risk lessening, or even losing, the intimacy they
long for.
Step 2: Complete openness on the part of
the betrayer
This is an essential part of
the healing process. The spouse who has had an affair has given up control of his or her life at least for as long as it takes to rebuild trust. He or she gives
up control by becoming an open book to his/her spouse. No secrets allowed. Cell
phone bills, travel itineraries, whereabouts at any given point in time,
complete accessibility’all of these are part of our becoming open to our spouse
about all aspects of our life. Anything less than complete openness restricts
the rebuilding of trust. The principle is one of complete openness. There can
be nothing that remains hidden, or else when it is found out, and it will be,
it will destroy the trust that was reestablished. And the second time trust is
breached is more serious. There is the old adage that says, ‘Fool me once,
shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.’ Few marriages can survive the ‘fool
me twice’ syndrome.
Step 3: There must be genuine sorrow on
the part of the betrayer
This also is a key to
rebuilding trust. Without it, it’s like building a brick wall without cement.
The goal of rebuilding trust is that at some point there is genuine sorrow on
the part of the one who lived the lie, and genuine forgiveness on the part of
the one betrayed. Without both of these conditions, the marital reconciliation
is going to be very superficial and very unsatisfying to both parties. Again,
the principle is the same, even for the little lie of omission, or the little
white lie.
When confronted by my spouse,
I need to confess the truth, become completely open about the subject, and show
genuine sorrow for the betrayal. Every lie in a marriage is a form of betrayal,
and so regardless of the seriousness of the betrayal, the process is the same.
Step 4: Rebuilding trust takes time and
patience
Rebuilding trust always
takes time. The more serious the offense, the more time it will take for it to
be repaired. A small lie of omission may take a couple of days, whereas an
affair may take a year or two just to get to level ground again. So rebuilding
means both the offender and the offended need to be patient with the process.
For more help on this subject please see Every Heart Restored, Every Man’s Battle, and Every Woman’s Battle.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 6th, 2008, 2:00 am and is filed under Forgiveness, Marriage, Restoring A Wife's Heart, Sexual Integrity (Every Man's Battle).
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#1 by al steiner - March 30th, 2009 at 19:07
Amen and amen. It is a relief to see this here, reading thru the various threads here you get the idea that men think they don’t have to confess to their wives (you know, the woman we commit adultery against when we look at other women). Some even speak of “protecting” their spouse and not confessing to her.
Repentance cannot be private.
#2 by amy b - June 3rd, 2009 at 12:52
The last time my husband looked at porn, that I know about, was when I was looking thru the computer and found that he had looked at it just the night before. He downloaded it from someone and to this day, a year and a half later, he still refuses to tell me who gave it to him. Do I trust him? Not totally. I’ve asked countless times but to no avail. I tell him he should avoid this “friend”. I feel that his loyalty is not with me and I still feel like he is being secretive and dishonest. He has had an addiciton for years so my hope of trusting him was let down yet again by this last incident. Please, men, I beg you to confess all.
#3 by Josh S - June 7th, 2009 at 19:58
Yes Amy I agree. I have had major issues with porn. It only led to more sin and eventually adultery. I have realized that if I was honest with my wife about my issues I may have had an ally instead of a woman who now has no trust in me. I urge all men with this issue to be open with your wives or it will only get worse and you will lose more intmacy in the end.
#4 by Barry C - June 10th, 2009 at 07:37
I have had an addiction to porn for years and years. The hardest thing to do is admit it to my wife. Josh is right. If you get caught later, it’s much worse than if you confess it ASAP. I know. I got caught. In order to hide it, you have to lie to her. There’s shame and fear there, because we know it’s sin. That’s why we lie to our wives. We don’t want them to know we’re weak, or cheating or whatever. But lying only makes the trust issue harder to deal with. And it will be even more painful for your wife when she does find out.
#5 by Nathan - June 15th, 2009 at 15:16
Right now, I am the betrayer! I have lived a life of secrets and addiction, and now I have lost my family because of it. The part that is the hardest is facing the “demons” that you have refused to face, and then dealing with the understanding that this will not repair itself in just a day! God restore my family.
#6 by Need Help - July 7th, 2009 at 01:12
How have you guys overcome the online porn issue? I need to get rid of this problem for GOOD! I have already lost my wifes’ trust and need to do whatever it takes.
I was doing well andslipped.
#7 by Drew - July 9th, 2009 at 03:32
I was also addicted to porn and self gratification. It has shattered my marriage of fifteen years. I started settingcaptivesfree.com about 2 months ago(60 day course focused on God and its free!) and it has changed me as a person. I see porn as the filth that it is. And understand that masturbation is enslaving and NOT harmless like the world makes it out to be.
#8 by Drew - July 9th, 2009 at 03:35
Even though I am now sexually pure for 2 months, I am paying for how I used to be and it feels like satan is smothering me. The pain is guaranteed to be there, we just have to focus on Gods’ grace and give all glory to God!
#9 by Kate - July 14th, 2009 at 05:57
As the wife who just found out on her own, I know how hard it is coming up with even the precept of a game plan for restoration. It is a thing that has to be done together for it to work. As a God-fearing man, it can be hard to confess but it lets loose a flood gate of feelings from resentment to betrayal that can now be dealt with instead of pooling and leading to the eventual drowning of any future hopes of rebuilding that closeness and trust. If there is any desire to retain/repair a marriage, please don’t be too prideful but confess…it really does make a difference.
#10 by Bobby - July 30th, 2009 at 07:21
I have been addicted to porn for as long as I can remember and it has crushed my life. I have lied to my wife of 11 years over and over again. I would be good for a month or so then I would fall off the wagon and be right at it again. She would find out and I would lie about it again. She would ask how I was doing with it and instead of coming clean she would find out I was acting out again and the lies would start all over again. She has told me time and time again just to tell her the truth. I don’t know why that is so hard to do. I just really want this out of my life, I don’t have the trust of my wife and I am about to lose her altogether.
#11 by Joy - August 14th, 2009 at 20:18
Prior to our marriage, while my husband and I were still “friends’, I had dated other guys, but never disclosed this information to him at the time. He ended up finding out about my relationships during our engagement. He struggled with me having kept this a secret from him and insisted that I had to tell him everything prior to getting married. I did so, but my confessions were not good enough. He already felt betrayed and lacked trust to believe that I had told him everything. We have been married 3 years and this issue has not been resolved. He continues to dwell on my past mistakes and accuses me of continuing to lie to him about the past. He has been obsessed about wanting all the intimate details of my past relationships. I feel like it is time for me to draw the lines of no longer succumbing to his demands of continuing to discuss this same topic over and over again and not getting anywhere. I am emotionally exhausted and drained. He prefers divorce over forgiveness. I don’t know what else to do to save my marriage other than leave it in God’s hands. My husband refuses to get outside help for our situation. Is there any hope in him ever letting the past go?
#12 by JR - August 15th, 2009 at 23:13
To Joy,
My wife and I have recently gone through something similar. Mathew 19:7-8, Christ explains that divorce was given as an option because mens “hearts were hardened’ and that it is not the way of God. In the way that Christ has forgiven us, we must also forgive. But if you have given accounts to your husband that are inconsistent or covering the truth, you need to come clean. Honesty, no matter the pain should be swift and not take years to come out. If you hide anything, you will only cause deeper scars.
In all that happens, know that there is a lesson that God is teaching. Its easier to hear this than to understand it.
A friend told me that Satan stands and accusses us before God and before one-another. He uses the feelings of loss, belittlement, and jealousy against us. There is a lot to this. Its not a simple thing.
If there is nothing else to be cleared up, be patient with his working his way through the pain.
#13 by Joe - August 18th, 2009 at 17:35
My wife and I are two years past her affair and the trust issues and scars still seem very fresh. We struggle every day to keep it together for our children and ourselves.
Our marriage may survive this, but we are different people now and are barely connected emotionally or physcially. I pray we make it though this somehow.
#14 by Jon - August 19th, 2009 at 11:54
My wife had an affair six months after we got married. She had an affair for four months but she still says just two months. There hasn’t been any honesty, infact her and her parents have taken the road of God’s grace and noone can say anything about what she did because she’s given it over to God. Therefore she doesn’t allow anything to be talked about because its what she calls forgiven and under the blood. Although true, there has to be some kind of honestly because not a big deal but she receives restricted calls and erases them from her phone. which I look at the phone bill and comfront her she immediatley starts crying and says you just don’t trust me and haven’t forgiven me have you. I feel like I’m in a twilight zone. She never spoke religiously before but now nothing comes out of her mouth unless its throwing scriptures AT me of what I need to be doing which is forgiving her as Christ did. She’s hiding behind religious jargin is what it feels so she doesn’t deal with it. Her and her family have made it out to be my fault, I just don’t get it because I even accepted her back when she wasn’t for sure she wanted to be with me and said she wants to be with him.
#15 by Drew - September 2nd, 2009 at 18:46
To Bobby, your experience is exactly the same as my own experience. I would pray and try to avoid pornography as long as possible, only to fall back and end up lying to my wife until she caught me. It was a terrible unending cycle. I am now free of porn and masturbation for about 4 months. And its no longer a struggle.
Brother if u want an accountability partner, I will be there for u! Good luck and God bless.
#16 by Melissa - September 18th, 2009 at 09:06
I pray and hope your marriage will grow to a stronger and loving relationship for the two of you, god and your children. I have been married for 16 years on 9/11/09 and have been in a struggling marriage due to indifferences in personalities, anxiety, parenting differences, porn addiction difficulties with my husband as well as marriage infidelity then lies about the affair and lack of openiness and resolution to his infidelity has been very painful, and hard to forgive due to his lack of compassion for what he did behind my back,when i’m living my life raising our children and trying to love him and be a good wife. I have found it really difficult because he stated previously to me and to one our our counselors, ” that he has made a huge mistake and he’s sorry and can’t understand why i still struggle with this” my comment is try being in my shoes and see how you feel when someone you love and thought loved you the same is unfaithful. Nobody knows what it feels like until your one the one betrayed, it hurts! My word of advice due to my chaotic mess of a marriage is if you both our not wanting the marriage for the deep love of each other, don’t do it for the kids. We have taken that approach and its been very difficult. My focus in life has been wanting to live life as a wife, mother and enjoy each and everyday and my husbands focus has been achieving his goals in life, in visioning his life in his years after his kids are grown. I personally believe the focus has to be mutual even though we a different in feelings, needs and wants. There has to be a mutual motive, your children can’t learn to love in an unloving environment. Even though you give your children your love, their not seeing the love between mom&dad(husband and wife) which is their imprint in life visually. God Bless! I have one last hope is to attend a new life seminar with my husband to possibly find a new road in our lives. Myself and my children need this, but i’ve have myself strong enough to believe i only need my self, my children and god to live a happy life. I just would love to find resolution to my true life goal and have that perfect loving and happy marriage. Love those Children they are gods blessings!
#17 by Melissa - September 18th, 2009 at 09:08
#18 by tim4uga - October 18th, 2009 at 18:20
I have read the comments above and can relate to each and every one of them. I lied for years to my wife about my porn addiction. And my addiction eventually led to me being unfaithful. That was 5 1/2 months ago when my wife found out. I know that I hurt her in ways I can’t even imagine. I started counseling and a very intense men’s bible study that deals with sexual addiction and sexual brokedness. It has been the biggest blessing to me. My wife still hasn’t forgiven me and I am not sure that she ever will. I hope and pray that she will and that we can put our marriage back together again. I have learned 1 thing though… I have to fix myself and worry about me and my walk with GOD and that I cannot fix anyone else. I would also like to add that right now trust is the biggest issue that we are facing. I am trying to open and honest with her about everything. There is nothing that I keep from her. If she wants my cell phone its open to her. Every minute of every day is there for her to see. If I try to hide or if I am not completely honest with her about anything every bit of the work that I am doing is gone. I am sorry for what I did and I work every day to prove myself to her. Thanks and God Bless
#19 by Donnell - October 27th, 2009 at 11:18
My husband was addicted to porn, he told me the first couple of times, and then I found out because he had printed out the picture, and then ripped it up…but not good enough. I was emptying the trash and saw the paper and taped it together. I was never so devistated as I was then, I bawled. I confronted him about it when he came home, and thank God he was honest and told me everything.
I still don’t trust my husband completely, because of that, but now he tells me immediatey me whenever he is feeling the temptation. Even though it is still hard to hear that he is still struggling with it, I pray for him.
The thing that gets me, is that everytime he tells me he is struggling, I begin to think that he no longer finds me attractive now that I have had three kids, or maybe I’m not pleasing him anymore.
But even through all that, I can say that him being completely honest with me is helping rebuild my trust.
#20 by Janice - November 16th, 2009 at 11:41
I can see the pain of both sides when a man has a sexual addiction. I have been married 32 years, my husband lied to me for 15 of them cheating and porn was his priority. Now it has been 6 1/2 years since he cheated and I still can’t forgive him. I have left our home and went to live with my mother. My husband is all to pieces and so is our grown children, but I have been unhappy so long living with a man that I can not trust, that I had to get away from him to get some kind of peace about this situation. My husband went to a Every Mans Battle Siminar and he has been honest and a different man, now if only God could change my heart and help me forgive
#21 by mia - November 18th, 2009 at 11:28
#22 by mia - November 18th, 2009 at 11:34
it is a blessing to hear that you see how you have hurt your wife and that GOD changed you for the better!! My husband does’nt see how his actions hurt me so much. 20 years of being second to women, alcohol, and the rest of his selfish ways is just so hard. It is so wonderful hear that you have changed with GOD’s help. It does give me hope.
Bless you
#23 by mia - November 18th, 2009 at 11:36
#24 by mia - November 18th, 2009 at 11:44
Janice, i feel your pain, how did you get the courage to leave ? i also want to leave my marriage, but im scared i would disappoint GOD, because i didnt give him a chance to fix things. Im just tired of getting blamed that, there’s something wrong with me, when i question him about other women calling him. I get told im insecure or i need to get friends myself. Am i crazy for trying to love this man?
#25 by cmsvmom - December 6th, 2009 at 07:37
I didn’t deal with sex addiction, I dealt with a closeted gay husband who still will not admit he did anything wrong. Yet during our divorce, he did everything he could to convince our church that I was the one at fault, since I was so apparently narrow minded and unforgiving. He also tried to take away custody of our kids, and prove I was crazy. With a closeted husband, it seems to be a pattern that they MUST prove that the marriage would not have worked ANYWAY because of the faults of the straight one. That is a horrible impediment to the straight wife’s healing when the church enables that with reparative therapies, or in our case, with liberal “inclusiveness”. We were married for 15 years, and in addition to the gay stuff, I dealt with emotional abuse, his depression, and our family being endangered by his lack of judgement. I found that after 10 years of forced joint custody, it has helped me immensely to MOVE 1,000 MILES AWAY and begin a new life of my own – which I was unable to do due to constant oppression by the courts. I’m old now. I’ve joined a new church, and I very much relate to God’s promise to Joel, to “restore the years that the locusts have eaten” I work with a support group for straight spouses, and I have learned that many closeted gay evangelical husbands do the reparative route, and fail because it is just another layer of deception. They conveniently forget step 4 in pressuring their wives to forgive RIGHT AWAY after 20 or 30 years of deceit. Honey I’ll change – who can believe that when it is experienced as pressure?
Where are the Christian counseling resources that specifically address straight spouses? Are we included in the healing? Or is it just heterosexual adulterers and sex addicts. My ex is gay, but he is not a sex addict. He just hates and fears women. Sex itself has always been secondary with him – mostly porn and a few liasons. But not like a sex addict, except for the lying.