Excerpted from “Seven Keys to Spiritual Renewal” by Stephen Arterburn and Dr. David Stoop

1. Be sensitive.
Don’t overburden your listener.
People who are suffering are self-absorbed; their pain keeps their attention focused on themselves, their problems, and their needs. In fact, they have difficulty thinking about anything else. But pain is not a license to inflict discomfort on anyone else ‘ especially someone who wants to help.
Those who agree to help have lives of their own, and we are not entitled to dump our troubles on them every time we feel the need.

When you begin to confide in another person, ask how you can respect his or her time. Find out when to call and when not to. Learn the person’s schedule so you can avoid asking for time or favors that will be disruptive. Agree in advance that if you call at an inopportune moment, you will not have hurt feelings when the person tells you he or she can’t talk right then.

2. Be discreet.
Use care in deciding what is appropriate to talk about and what is not. Avoid explicit sexual details, endless recitals of someone else’s faults, and repetition of the same frustrating events. These are unnecessary for your listener to hear. Become a self-censor so that you don’t become unwelcome.

3. Be honest.
Don’t confess someone else’s sin. This tactic allows you to play the innocent victim who doesn’t need to change. If you insist on being a victim, your confession will always be shallow, and your spiritual progress will be slow at best.

4. Set reasonable expectations.
Don’t expect more than the listener is able to give. If your listener is not a trained counselor, he or she cannot be your therapist. And even a therapist is not a miracle worker. Your expectations from those who listen to your troubles should be limited and realistic, which means that you see them as listeners, not fixers. Listeners who take on the responsibility of solving the other person’s problem become emotionally drained.

5. Don’t stifle your emotions.
Some men and women have difficulty expressing their feelings. They may be afraid that if they begin to talk about their feelings, they will be overwhelmed by the pain. So they work hard to keep the feelings away. The best way to do this, of course, is to not talk about the pain. But that will not make it go away. Never withhold your emotions just because you don’t’ feel like expressing them.

If you do not confess the emotions associated with truth, you fail to speak the whole truth. Feelings are a large part of your story. It is deceptive to deny your emotions, refuse to weep, hide your anger, smile over your sadness, or bluster through real fears. Besides, these are counterproductive to expressing the truth. Tears and rage are not signs of weakness or of being unspiritual. They are authentic human responses to pain and shame. Never let the desire to appear strong, keep you from being honest.

6. Maintain healthy independence. Anyone who feels driven to keep calling, asking for advice, reaching out for positive strokes ‘ is placing his/her dependency on others, not on God. And anyone who allows someone else to dominate his/her time ‘ shows signs of allowing his/her own needs and unresolved issues to get in the way of being a good listener.

Another kind of dependency can develop if the person you are talking to begins to use you and your problems as entertainment (as in a real-life soap opera), as a cause, or a distraction from his or her own life.

Some people are born rescuers. But if they rescue out of a need to be in control or to feel important, you are likely to become too important to them. If you see that someone is become too attached to you, distance yourself so that the relationship can remain positive and mutually rewarding.